I had a cry, a big howl of a cry. Sam cried with me and those dearest to me hurt bad too. I considered staying in bed all day for weeks but even the morning after the event I found myself thinking 'I am so much stronger than this'.
I had phone call after phone call from my closest friends, messages, texts with words of encouragement all morning that I knew I needed to honour these people by soaking up their wisdom & powerful words and getting up out of bed and getting on with my life. The encouragement came all day and filled me with the energy I needed, where my character had been defiled it was all brushed off and built up again, where I felt blamed I was cleared of all accusation and then suddenly there was just me, the me that I knew and a brand new chapter of my life. This will not define me.
Although I find myself hurting still and there are many questions I have yet to let go of, the thing I always come back to is 'I know Jesus'. There is NOTHING I can't deal with because I KNOW HIM. No one in this world can hurt me bad enough to make me lose my faith because I know what he has done for me. I know he speaks to me & can turn the worst of sorrow into the biggest feeling of joy.
2 Corinthians 4 v 8-12 (msg)
"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us - trial and torture, mockery and murder, what Jesus did among them, he does in us - He Lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"
... v 16 - 18
"We're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. Those hard times are small compared to the good times coming, the lavish celebration prepared for us. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
I don't know what I'm doing now or where to go next but I know I will be alright. I always have been because Jesus is with me always.