Celebrating three years...

“..I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.” 

I feel everyday that I am learning new things about Sam, figuring out what he's about, who he is, what he stands for. He has an incredible knowledge for almost anything, he soaks up information like no one I have ever known, he has he own type of creativity and experimental nature, his sense of humour is the best, his crazy high pitched laugh that he does on occasion is a joy to my ears, his desire to love people & see the best make me want to be more like him, his willingness to serve is inspiring, his heart for God makes my heart explode with pride. 

I often have moments where I'm like "wow, this is the person I chose to live my whole life with". It's funny to look back at my immature, younger self and remember when I first started dating Sam at the age of 16 (my first boyfriend) not even thinking of 'forever'. How lucky did I get?! We have been together for nearly 8 years and I still feel like I'm getting to know him.

I feel even when we're old and grey I will still be discovering things about him. Everyday I am learning -  I think that is one of the most beautiful things about marriage. It's made me a better person, a better partner.

Thank you Sam for making me better, for standing with me in all circumstances, for fighting with me & making up afterwards, for loving me through my stubbornness and minor tantrums, for making me laugh the hardest, for sharing my pain but also my joy. You are my person. My one. I love you so much! This life we are living together gets better & better all the time! Happy 3rd Anniversary! 

FIRST anniversary & SECOND anniversary

Give thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to all our American friends! Hope everyone American or not has enjoyed the celebrations for this day. As I've grown older I've definitely become a lot more sensitive to the world & the people surrounding me. I observe, notice & appreciate more and more what is happening around me. Maybe it's my faith, growing up knowing Jesus but I know I am noticeably more thankful for what this life has handed to us. 
I listened to a sermon a few years ago & was challenged to write down/think about 5 things I am thankful for each day, even if it's something as trivial as 'thank you that we have running water', etc. It's really opened my eyes to all the good that we have and how good life is even when everything feels like it's crumbling and crashing down around us.

The above picture was taken on our recent holiday to Yorkshire (more photos to show soon!). Whenever Sam has our camera & I ask him to take a photo of me he starts off quite seriously & then continuously clicks so we end up with a series of me pulling stupid faces or belly laughing! This was a belly laugh! I had to use it for this post because before we went on holiday a friend prayed that the holiday would be full of rest but also fun, that we would laugh continuously with each other and enjoy each other without any of the seriousness of the things we've been through the last couple of months & that's exactly what we did. We laughed SO much together! The week was SO full of joy!

We had gone on a cruise holiday back in June as our summer holiday but also in the hope to escape a lot of emotions we weren't dealing with. We had so much fun, met some firm friends & created some incredible memories but once we returned home all the emotions & 'stuff' was still there. I'd started counselling and God began to really transform our lives so this little getaway was certainly a precious one where we were fuller, happier & more joyful people. God showed us so much of Himself in the scenery & the things we got up to. We both came home feeling fully rested and restored through God. It was a special time...

...and so, I am thankful for a million things.

for belly laughs with my husband, for good coffee & cake shops, for English pubs, for the scenery God painted for us, for the friends & family we have surrounding us with support and unconditional love, for the home we live in, for the time we are living, for the glorious Autumn weather, for knitted mittens and chunky snoods, for our health, for stability, for healing & rest & for God's perfect promises & love.

What are you thankful for this year?

Xx

Understanding & beginning to overcome anxiety

So we're on holiday at the moment, a much much needed holiday for rest and restoration out in the English countryside with fresh air, wind, chilly sunshiny mornings, hills and quiet.
I've wanted to write this post for a while but somehow daytimes get busy, in the evenings I'm with Sam & I could never write this while I had any kind of distraction around me but let's be honest it's not an easy one to write.

First things first I've been dealing with a whole lot of anxiety issues. Why write about it now? Why out in the open? I have noticed lately other bloggers writing about this subject and found myself in awe at how open they can be about the things they have been through but what I'd found incredible was how they had overcome it or at least were beginning to overcome it and I found it so encouraging and hopeful that, although weeks/months later, I feel ready to share my story & hope that it encourages even one person.

18 months or so ago I began waking up with nausea, sometimes even physically being sick. Oh great...I can't possibly be pregnant! Drs appointment booked, 'no, not pregnant....are you stressed?', 'not in the slightest' I replied but that was the only apparent solution for then. I feel like I've dealt with stress pretty well. I've never let much bother me, even with school exams I knew it was something I just had to do so why waste emotional energy worrying about it...and that's how I've been through most things. I'm not a worrier. Blood tests and other tests for anything and everything done but nothing was wrong. Ok, that's great but what's going on? Nausea for months now? My health for months was deteriorating in a way I had never felt before but nothing in the slightest obvious. There was no external sign that anything was wrong, it was all internal. I hadn't felt 'well' in six whole months.
A very long story short (spanning 9-10 months) I had two jobs, two jobs that I really enjoyed to begin with but began to get very unhealthy & dangerous (in a mind manipulating, verbal abuse kind of way) & neither ended very well.
I wrote THIS post after the second one ended and that is how I genuinely felt, even when I read it back now I know I truly meant every word & I'm even encouraged myself to remember that's how it was but in the midst of all that and in the weeks after I still knew something wasn't okay and life began to stop. I began to drift one day into the next and I began to hurt, my mind stopped trusting, believing, living. We moved house in this period of time & I was kept very busy building a new home for us, redecorating rooms, completing DIY projects and filling the rest of my time with social media. Life was okay but it was not good. The sickness still came and went over those long months but it became something that I no longer reacted to. It became part of my life & I dealt with it in whatever way was easiest including avoiding people, events, going out of the house. I was safe inside & my sickness was controllable. I was in control....

Then one day I heard something about anxiety. 'Whatever that is...' Long story short (again) I went on an anxiety course that was provided by our church. I went & I really didn't want to go. When I was there I wanted to go home but then it began to all make sense. I was understanding anxiety and it was like someone had written the course for me. Someone finally gets it! We worked through THIS workbook and seriously anyone struggling with anxiety this is a hugely helpful tool which allows you to understand your anxiety, work through it & rethink it! I could not recommend it more.
This course was definitely helpful for me but because it was done in a group I knew I needed to delve deeper & get more specific. 
With a little encouragement from a few people I finally went into counselling with someone I trusted & had known for years. This is not to say you need to know your counsellor and have a personal relationship as well as a professional one but for me it was really helpful & I knew I would be able to be honest & open and that's the important thing. The sessions included some really intense prayer time too which was extremely important for me to process through some of the things that happened to me & were spoken over me. 
I write about it so easily now but believe me to even be able to submit to counselling was a huge thing for me. I believed it came with weakness, embarrassment and shame but now I see how much strength, boldness and bravery that took to get to that point and it was the best thing I have ever done. 

Now this is definitely a journey I am still on but the tools I have been given to understand myself better & understand the way I think has very much changed my life. I am myself again. I have freedom and I see more freedom ahead of me. 
Last week I was watching some terrible daytime TV while planning blog posts, not thinking about anything to do with anything I'd been through when suddenly I had this image of myself up a hill, in a secluded spot, the space and air open all around me and I saw myself sobbing. Sobbing really hard. In reality my eyes suddenly started to water but I shook it off pretty quickly wondering where on earth that came from. Then I was reminded of how much freedom I am still promised by God, how much more He has for me, that His love is SO deep, SO wide, SO strong and nothing but good is promised to me. 

'Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free' - John 8 v 32

I am not glad that everything happened, in fact I wish it had never have happened BUT God makes all things work together for our good (Romans 8 v 28) and I have truly seen that in action in my own life this past year. I see how I'm a stronger better person, I even see how it will make me a better parent when we eventually decide to start our own family. Sometimes things still hurt but I'm in a good place with the knowledge to know how to deal with it. In all the pain of times past today I feel really good. If tomorrow is a bad day, that's fine. God is with me.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading, for listening.

And I leave you with this which spoke to me in a thousand words:

"Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of fragility. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me rather than your own understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness".

- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (women's edition)

Celebrating two years...

Today we are celebrating two beautiful years of marriage.

When I became a wife I knew it would be full of fun, laughter and a whole lot of love. I knew it would be full of challenges, battles & learning a lot too. I knew there would be someone else to consider in every day life, decisions to make together instead of alone and both good & bad times to fight through together.
I will be the first to admit marriage is tough but it's soooooo totally worth it! Sam is totally worth it. Being able to spend the rest of my life with him is the greatest gift God has ever given me.

We are two totally imperfect people, we recognise that, but we are two imperfect people fighting for a love and a life that we believe in.
Sam has been my world, he IS my world. This year has been full of challenges, big stresses & health issues but our characters have been shaped more, God has pushed us to the limits, we have learnt so much more about each other, our needs & how to use our love languages in a better way. We have let go, we have never given up, we have been driven, we have been tired, we've been beaten & hurt, we have been restored & healed, we have cried, we have celebrated & we have loved more fiercely than ever.

You are worth it all Samuel. I love you so much! X

Let's just take a minute...

...to introduce this beautiful boy! My nephew!

JOSHUA GABRIEL born on the thirteenth day of may two thousand and thirteen!

I have never been in love with another boy until this little one arrived nine days ago! He is total joy! I am totally smitten and I am so proud to be his auntie! I am so proud of my brother & sister-in-law. They are doing so well & although it was so strange at first to think my brother has become a daddy I knew he was always born to be one. He's always been so great with kids and kids adore him. I can't wait to see little Joshua looking at my brother like he's the most amazing guy in the world when they can start doing more things with each other & have big long conversations! This little one is so lucky and his parents are even more blessed!

I'm a little obsessed. I can't get enough cuddles with him! Oh, and he smells so good! I am totally broody, like crazy broody but I think we're going to wait a little longer, I think I still need a good amount of cuddles & quality time before someone else gets all the attention. Hehe.

Little Joshua Gabriel, YOU ARE SO LOVED!!

Reflecting on life lately...

I was refelecting back on a journal I wrote when I was younger, about 17 years old. I had been dating Sam for nearly two years and I had written down my questions over when we'd get married. Little did I know I still had a good few years to wait. I'm really suprised at how much depth I wrote in at such a young age. I didn't even realise that I wrote so much.

I came across a picture I had stuck in my journal of myself about 6/7 years old with a few questions next to it which I thought were worth sharing. I think it's been a really good way of remembering who I am and what I want for myself. I'd encourage you to try it.
Find a picture of yourself at a young age, when you were naive about the world and innocent to most things. A picture you love of yourself and ask these three questions:

1. What does this little girl/boy deserve in life?
2. What are your desires for her/him?
3. What do you want to say to her/him?

This has been a really significant thing for me to do from time to time. It really helps me to remember my desires and what God's promises are for me.

'May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true, may you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you'. - Bob Dylan

Dear mom & dad...

WARNING! This is a total gush post.

This post is dedicated to my momma & poppa! They will quote me all the time on this but I'm going to say it anyway, I really would spend every waking hour with these two. 
They inspire me every day to be a better person, to look for the good in everything and give me the gentle reminder that I can't do anything in my own strength; that it all comes from God.
I am thankful that they have loved each other through all the good times & the hard times and have been a great example of how I want my marriage to be. I have seen them lose themselves & find themselves again, struggle financially & celebrate living comfortably, be generous beyond their means & give their time, advice and wisdom to anyone and everyone. I have seen them cry, fight, hurt & yearn but I've also seen them laugh hysterically, love, forgive & choose happy. 
We were never without anything growing up. My dad grew a great business & my mom stopped work to bring us up. She was with us every day, every hour teaching us, loving us, making us into creative and hardworking people.
We would have an activity to do always, bath times, story times & bed times were exciting and any health issues, sickness and poorly sleepless nights they were both around for cuddles.

They taught us about Jesus, they taught us to pray, to hope, to dream, the difference between want & need, good & bad, happy & sad. They praised us, encouraged us and loved us through our tantrums & teenage years.

They said NO! but they also said YES! and they were always right. They knew, we didn't, but now we see. They've done the hardest job in the world & they are still doing it. Even in the moments I packed my tiny suitcase & left home (hid behind the alleyway) to spite you and yelled 'I hate you!' you loved me. Even when I hit you or refused to eat the dinner you cooked, you loved me. Even when I trashed my room or slammed the doors you loved me. Thank you for loving me through all that. I bet that was one of the hardest things.

Thank you for family film nights, english country holidays, 30 mile family bike rides (ok, we did that once!), sugar sandwiches, handmade birthday cakes, dancing in the rain storms, singing us to sleep, making up stories, car games during long journeys, activity packs and dooey boxes, foreign holidays & much much much much more!
I am thankful for you and so proud to call you mom & dad. You are my heroes, my best friends!

Thank you for being here always.

Xxx

I am His

One of my strengths is POSITIVITY. This is in all things small or big. I have the ability to see the best in situations and turn the worst into the most fun adventure. I love this about myself but sometimes there are times when I can't find that part of me, when things hurt so bad you just can't even find the strength to get out of bed or think of all the good things in life. Two days ago I was in that place. I lost my job through no fault of my own, at least not that I am aware of. The situation was so unjust, so unbelievably wrong and the words spoken over me shredded my character to pieces. How did this happen again? How can my tender heart deal with this twice?
I had a cry, a big howl of a cry. Sam cried with me and those dearest to me hurt bad too. I considered staying in bed all day for weeks but even the morning after the event I found myself thinking 'I am so much stronger than this'.
I had phone call after phone call from my closest friends, messages, texts with words of encouragement all morning that I knew I needed to honour these people by soaking up their wisdom & powerful words and getting up out of bed and getting on with my life. The encouragement came all day and filled me with the energy I needed, where my character had been defiled it was all brushed off and built up again, where I felt blamed I was cleared of all accusation and then suddenly there was just me, the me that I knew and a brand new chapter of my life. This will not define me.

Although I find myself hurting still and there are many questions I have yet to let go of, the thing I always come back to is 'I know Jesus'. There is NOTHING I can't deal with because I KNOW HIM. No one in this world can hurt me bad enough to make me lose my faith because I know what he has done for me. I know he speaks to me & can turn the worst of sorrow into the biggest feeling of joy.

2 Corinthians 4 v 8-12 (msg)
"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us - trial and torture, mockery and murder, what Jesus did among them, he does in us - He Lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!"

... v 16 - 18
"We're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. Those hard times are small compared to the good times coming, the lavish celebration prepared for us. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

I don't know what I'm doing now or where to go next but I know I will be alright. I always have been because Jesus is with me always.

Whatever may pass & whatever lies before me

 

Hello friends!

I've been away for the last few days in Nottingham at a Church Leader's Conference which was just what I needed. We had such a refreshing few days spending time with God, good friends, great speakers & engaging worship! I only wish it lasted longer but I feel even more fired up for life and excited about God's plans our future.

I'm also working a little more on the site. You might see that I've been changing a few things on the blog. It's a work in progress (& probably always will be) but a few pages are under construction and will be developed over the next few months so thank you in advance for being patient! 

You can check out the new 'about' page and I've added a 'we believe' page so you can check out what our church is all about & the vineyard movement which is what we are part of. I wanted it to be a part of my blog because it's a huge part of our life & if I didn't I wouldn't be giving a true portrayal of myself. If you've got any questions please feel free to email me!

Anyway, just checking in to say I'm back & will be getting back on top of things very soon!

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

P.s. I'm a poorly girl. This calls for a pasta dinner & some sort of gooey chocolate pudding! Then I'm trying this because apparently it's a miracle medicine & my mom reminded me of it today!

'All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us'.

(Photo taken in Perth, Australia on our honeymoon)

As I sit here snowed in (with a little cabin fever) and knowing I have so much space this week to sit, think, create & inspire I'm thinking of some of the things I want to make time for while I have this opportunity of free time. What will I do with it? 

I found an inspiring pinboard on pinterest reminding me what is important to make time for so I thought I'd share a few of them here with you. 

Make time to read. I touched on this in a previous post as something I want to do more of this year. I think instead of making my lunch & sitting down to an episode of something we've recorded on the box I'll read a chapter of my current book.

Make time to create & paint my dreams. I did a little of this today. I've written down some craft projects I want to work on in the next few weeks which I will share with you to keep myself accountable & maybe get you creating yourselves! I also want to find the time to learn a new craft but I have so many projects I'm in the middle of it's hard to prioritize that.

Make time to have coffee with a friend. I really need to do this more often & now I can find more exciting places to go a little further afield with my new driving license! Plus, I feel like I've become a recluse (honest moment) in the last few weeks! I really do love my own space & company sometimes but now it's time to get out of that bubble, leave my home (although it's difficult in the snow) & see people I love!

 

Make time to write a letter. I am NOT a good phone person. I find it really awkward unless I'm really close to someone like my parents or best friend. I love writing too & I love that someone can have something to keep reading over & over. I have so many letters from past times that mean more to me & remind me of things more than any past phone calls I've had. Time to invest in some beautiful writing paper!

Make time to find somewhere special. This may not happen this week because I will not be driving around in this weather but I'd love to find a place I feel I can go to just for a change of scenery, a sense of peace, escape just to gather my thoughts, write notes or have quiet time with God.

What will you make time for this week?

Xo

Let it snow, let it snow...

...let it SNOW! I am LOVING it and enjoying every minute of it! I'm one of those people that dislike gritters & neighbours that shovel the snow out the way! I've been pretty lucky in that as soon as the snow started to fall I knew I'd be off work until Monday. Monday might be a challenge since our car battery died on Thursday evening, it's the third episode within a few weeks, and we need to get it replace as soon as. All going well I'll be driving into work next week otherwise I'm walking for an hour in the snow! I'll find joy in it though if that's the case. Best thing you can do right!?

We live surrounded by parks and the roads are never too busy so the snow fall has stuck good & proper. Sam & I made the most of it and went for a lovely walk at the back of our house. We don't have much of a garden so the park behind makes up for it big time.
We took photos, I made a snow angel and we had a BIG snow ball fight...just the two of us...and it was one of those "I know exactly why I married him..." moments. He's so much fun! (& I love him!)
I have to add though...I got him in the face THREE times!
Hope this weather lasts a bit longer!

Earlswood Lakes Adventure

Greetings on this cold & frosty morning!
January has been such a cold month already. We've had lots of frost and a lot of snow but none of the snow has stuck for very long! We've been promised more this week though so here's hoping!
Sam might disagree, but I think I'm pretty adaptable to the changes in weather. I'm always ready for the cold that comes or the warmth when it arrives, obviously there are dreary days when it's grey & rainy - that's not so fun - but I especially love the frost when the sun is shining bright!

I drove myself to work for the first time on Tuesday - it felt so freeing! I have a love/hate relationship with driving. I dislike driving but I love the fact I can get to places & stay warm! I've been taking public transport or walking for years, then I met Sam who passed his test soon after we started dating (winner!) & he lifted me everywhere but it's nice to feel independent again now. Looking forward to the day I can pick him up or drop him off somewhere! It's long overdue I think! Boy, do I appreciate him a whole lot more! 

Anyway, yesterday we both had the day off work together. We decided we needed to get out the house & do something fun. We went to Earlswood Lakes just a 20 minute drive from where we live where they have a beautiful lakeside walk & tea room!
I think we lasted about an hour & a half before we walked back to the car - it was soooooo cold! We took some photographs but the cold was so intense we didn't take many of ourselves. Boo. Still, we enjoyed every minute of our little adventure & the place was deserted so we may have pretended we were being chased by orcs!

 

 Hope you're wrapped up warm wherever you are! x

 

May you stay forever young

I LOVE having a good sort through my computer every few months to get rid of the things blocking up the space. I find lots of forgotten treasures like these photos we had taken while we were on our honeymoon. 

Our wedding photographer who is from the USA flew over to do our wedding photos & as part of our honeymoon we did a tour of the US from the west to the east coast & managed to meet up with her along the way to snap a few more beauties.

I need to save my pennies to get us a new computer or at least an external hard-drive to free up some space for more photos.    

Anyway, I'm glad I came across these. I haven't shared them with many people.

<3

Baddesley Clinton & joyful hearts

Hello to you on this wintery afternoon! It's been raining leaves all day outside of my window. I'm enjoying a day off, drinking plenty of tea and snuggling in a chunky cable knit.

After a busy but fun week at work I had a couple of days off to go on my annual trip to the arts & crafts show at the NEC, Birmingham. It's kind of my disneyland. :o)
I've stocked up for the year and have lots of projects to get through and share with you on the way. Hoping to do some DIY sessions to inspire you to get into handmaking your own things too. Such fun!
With crafting in mind, this week the management at work asked me to design and make TEN cakestands for their two stores and we'll be collaborating on a few more things once they have been done. I couldn't be more excited and grateful for this opportunity and to grow my business. Things are ticking along very nicely indeed.

To celebrate but also because it was long overdue we had a date night last Friday and it was the first time I tried a french martini. Scrummy. (vanilla vodka, raspberry liqueur, pineapple juice & lemon). A scallop starter and venison main later (yea, we went a bit all out!) we went home.
Saturday was just as fun. We thought we'd flex a bit of plastic - ummm...ok just our National Trust membership cards!! and went to Baddesley Clinton for the day. They have beautiful grounds to walk in & we had a ton of fun taking photos! I love spending time with this guy!

 

Unfortunately, I have not enjoyed a red cup yet, we need an excuse to go into town in order to find the nearest Starbucks BUT the German Market arrives on Thursday so we're planning a few spontaneous evening trips to fill our tummies with treats galore! It's definitely feeling like christmas! I think I'm going to start decorating the house much sooner this year to get me fired up to do more christmassy projects and cooking!

Happy Tuesday, friends! Xo

katie: dress & coat - asos, faux fur neck snood - next
sam: shirt - asos, jumper - monsoon (they have a men's outlet in bicester), coat - rocha john rocha